Friday, September 3, 2010

Living in sync with who I am

I had a pretty powerful realization. I love philosophy. I'm currently beginning my second semester of nursing class. I'm not necessarily interested in nursing. This leads to a lot of things. I don't necessarily feel like interacting and connecting with most of the people that my current path has surrounded me with. Some of the people in my class are great. But for the most part its pretty blah. Some of the class content is semi interesting. but for the most part i don't really care. This makes me want to read other stuff in class. There was a girl in my class today who said she loves coming to class. She got there 45 minutes early. Shes engaged in the content. That is how you will feel when you are on your path. She will make an amazing nurse. Its not me. I feel that way when I'm learning about philosophy. When I'm learning how people think and how their thoughts affect their reality. I like thinking deeeeeep. I need to change something. I had a gap in the nursing classes for philosophy 101. This feels unbelievably amazing. The universe supports me. This is my path. I need to listen to my procrastination. I need to go after what I want. This is how I can live to my full potential. I am eternally grateful.

You don't have to have 2 lives. You can find out how to live a singular focused one. All my out of class reading should run congruent to my in class reading. If i find myself out of class, never even thinking of class. THEN I'M IN THE WRONG FUCKING MAJOR! I give myself excuses, like 'nursing is exactly what i needed to become a whole person' And I really believe this is true. I don't regret how far i came in nursing. I wouldn't want to take any of that away. But I know that its not what I'm interested in. I didn't get into philosophy or psychology originally because i couldn't see any opportunity for making money doing it. 2 thing. There's way more important things that making money. Like LOVING YOUR LIFE! and 2 If I'm loving my life, my drive and will to give and expand will bring more money to me than i can even imagine. Or exactly as much as I can imagine. Which is irrelevant. Because I LOVE MY LIFE!

Well, now i have some things to mull over. I'm secure right now. I can stay on this path and add philosophy in as i go along. Half assing it. Take some classes on top of nursing when i can. Use what i am learning in nursing to supplement my real passion. Maybe ill get a great perspective from becoming a nursing and interacting with so many sick people. If i drop out and pursue philosophy who's to say i wont lose interest. Maybe I'm only interested so hard because it distracts me from alignment. Maybe high school has reinforced nonalignment so much that i am addicted to it. No matter what ill always have one thing I'm resisting which i need in order to drive the interest in the other thing. I don't believe I have to live with this in-congruency. I think its a socially defined norm. I think its bull shit. Or i could drop out of nursing. I could get a job and start my real life, perusing philosophy when i can and supplementing it with what ever career i can find. This doesn't feel right. I believe this will still lead to nonalignment. No matter what i think society favors people with credentials. Going to school for something I love would cause me to get amazing grades. And probably go on to get my doctorate. Because I I I I I I want to. Because i want to pursue knowledge. Because I can live up to my full potential. And as i specialize and grow with my passion money will come into alignment. Ive already thought of so many ways to make an income that I'm confident that I will have no problem making any amount of money i set my sites on. (I still cant get away from money as my obstacle, in time.) Short term - Will my loan transfer if i switch degrees? Will I love my classes? Will I be able to pay for housing and living expenses for another 2 years? I already made the first step. Taking philosophy 101. Well see where the rest takes me. Maybe ill get my nursing degree and work in something i don't love for 4 years to pay back my loans. Maybe a business or income source will pop up on the side allowing me to be free of all this and able to pursue whats truly fulfilling to me. maybe i wont like my philosophy class and what i love has yet to be reviled to me. All i know is its all going to work out perfectly :) And I'm excited about the future. I love life. I love knowledge. And i love YOU!

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