I am ME

This last weekend has been very powerful. I have realized a lot of things. I have realized how important the people in my life have been and how much I already knew that but didn’t acknowledge it. I realized how great a person my brother is and how important he has been in my life and how important I have been in his. I realized that he is and ALWAYS will be my best friend. The times we have shared together have build a connection so strong and for some reason I had a resistance to it. I realized that I have been very bad at showing the people I love and care about how much they truly mean to me. I realized that I have always been the person that I want to be. I realized that the only thing holding myself back was I. When I was a kid I was me. And as I grew up I let other people influence who I am. My first TRUE passion was hockey. I loved the control and freedom it gave me. I played it for ME. I spend anytime I could on the ice, with a stick and ball, teaching my friends about it, going to hockey camps, shooting pucks against the garage or in the basement, stick handling, roller bladeing, anything to do with hockey. For me. Because I LOVED it! I didn’t give a fuck what other people thought about it. It was me. I was me. I lost a lot of respect for myself on an unconscious level because as I grew up I let people’s opinion hold me back from what I was passionate about. I let my fear of their rejection stop me from doing what I Loved. I let them put doubts in my ability. I stopped playing the game for me. I started playing it for them. This stopped me from living up to my potential. I am grateful I faced it. I am grateful for the lessons I learned from not living up to my potential. And I know I needed this to get where I am going. Now I can put it behind me.

I will never forget the time we won state. Not the championship game, but the game right before it. The feeling I got when I scored the overtime goal. I will never forget what the roof of that old barn rink looked like. The lights shining down on me as I was filled with power, passion, joy, freedom, life. Staring up at the ceiling like I was the only person in the world. I made it happen. I was in control. The game started off with me scoring the first goal early in the game. The opposing team tied it up and then took the lead. They were winning 2-1. It was the 3rd period and the puck was in our zone. I took it from a teammate behind the net and skated it from end to end to score with 6 seconds left. I tied the game at 2-2 to bring it into overtime. I scored the overtime goal to get us to the championship. I was in control of my reality. It was an amazing feeling. Somewhere I lost that control and with it I lost respect for myself. I did this by letting the things that made me uncomfortable hold me back from doing what I was passionate about. I let the things take away my control and stop me from being free. I think this is why I am on this current journey. A journey to expand my comfort zone to a place where I can handle ANYTHING that might hold me back from my passion. A journey to truly be free of other peoples opinion of me so ‘I can be me’. A journey to find out who I AM. To embrace who I AM. To love who I AM. Just like when I was a kid. I am ME. I am already everything I want to be. I already have everything I need. I am Me. I will no longer let anyone, anything, or myself hold me back from living my passion. Life is wonderful.

It's ok to get high on life.

As people grow up they stop thinking its ok to be a kid. Society scolds them every time they climb a tree in public, or meet a stranger, or smile and yell for no reason. 'are you high' people ask. 'That guys hammered' people say. What happened to doing things because you enjoy them.

People don't let themselves enjoy things. They use marijuana in order to have fun sitting outside at the park, or watching a movie. Sure the stuff can enhance things. but the truth is life is so amazing it doesn't need to be enhanced. Yes a mushroom trip is like nothing you can experience in your sober life. And smoking marijuana takes you places you couldn't go if you were smoking sunshine and snorting flowers. I think doing these drugs to go on vacation is great. Evey one should try them, but it becomes a problem when you use them to escape. You use them to distract you from reality rather than bring you closer to it. They need to be left as a vacation. Smoke weed to get a different perspective on a movie or sunset or the back of a 20$ bill. But be careful about spending the majority of your time stoned to the bone and swap your weed vacation out for the Bowl-to-bowl High life. You stop doing anything. It lowers your threshold of fun. It makes it OK to sit inside and watch tv. It starts to take away from your life instead of enriching it.

Alcohol is another hat people like to wear to belong. People use alcohol to lower their inhibitions and to escape from their problems. On a pretty large scale. They fear being judged but want to have fun so they use alcohol as a crutch. They go have fun and if someone judges something they do its ok.. they were blacked out... It becomes a competition between people to see who can get more shitfaced. Last time i checked it wasn't hard to chug beer and take shots till you threw up under the bar stool, on the beer pong table or in the sink (If your too classy for a toilet). The real challenge is going out and truly enjoying yourself, dancing, talking to random people, and not giving a shit what anyone else thinks. Not relying on the excuse of being shitfaced if you make an ass out of yourself.

Life is superrrr tight.

This blog is going to be a tool to express myself and to test my self expression. I will attempt to put my thoughts out into the world for people to accept and reject as they see fit. knowing that everyone has their own shit, i will challenge myself to remain impartial to any negative or positive opinion. This is for me. At this point in my life i feel like people can make a heaven out of hell and a hell out of heaven. peoples outside world is a reflection of their inside world. this is a place for me to jot down my thoughts about what that means to me. My thoughts on life. What ive learned what im figuring out. Ideas i feel are interesting. My attempt at a new reality to shift away from the herd mentality. I dont really care about spelling and grammar, thats just another thing to styfold (inhibit? bog down? kill?) my style. Yeah these little red underlines so inconveniently let me spell good if i choose to so ill see what what happens in the mud pit when the mud turns to shit. Your defined in life by the actions you take and i think so many people are scared to be defined that they dont take action. hopeing itll work out. hopeing there will be another tv show to watch, another quick gratification they can grab to delay any true meaning of the experiance they were blessed with. We are the universe becoming aware of itself. We are here for such a short amount of time every minute you spend not being happy is a minute you wasted. Ive wreseled with this idea for some time because it seems contradictory to leading a successful life in the long term. But im beggining to realize that through living in the moment, realizing everyone has their own shit (negitive shit, happy shit, mean shit, nice shit, dorky shit, cool shit.) and expressing yourself with out letting anything outside influance you. You will be on your path. And each day you will get closer to your goals and your goals will give you a momentum to strong to stop. I have started viewing all the negative shit and outside circumstances i cannot control as a challenge to overcome. I live and gain exp with each new thing i face and concur. There is no such thing as failure. You live and learn. You either succeed or get closer to success. Life is an amazing place. With amazing gifts. and its the grapes who live through the shade that make the best wine. reality isnt real, and i need to make my seccond ever bowl of oatmeal. Late night at the bars. Don't have class till 3:00. I have some homework to catch up on and a new phone to get. Blog. You are super tight. Everyone is going to have a different interpretation of this blog and i'm going to attempt to just express myself with out thinking about how another person will interpret my expression. This will be a challenge at times but that'll only lead to that good old tasty fine wine.