Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I am ME

This last weekend has been very powerful. I have realized a lot of things. I have realized how important the people in my life have been and how much I already knew that but didn’t acknowledge it. I realized how great a person my brother is and how important he has been in my life and how important I have been in his. I realized that he is and ALWAYS will be my best friend. The times we have shared together have build a connection so strong and for some reason I had a resistance to it. I realized that I have been very bad at showing the people I love and care about how much they truly mean to me. I realized that I have always been the person that I want to be. I realized that the only thing holding myself back was I. When I was a kid I was me. And as I grew up I let other people influence who I am. My first TRUE passion was hockey. I loved the control and freedom it gave me. I played it for ME. I spend anytime I could on the ice, with a stick and ball, teaching my friends about it, going to hockey camps, shooting pucks against the garage or in the basement, stick handling, roller bladeing, anything to do with hockey. For me. Because I LOVED it! I didn’t give a fuck what other people thought about it. It was me. I was me. I lost a lot of respect for myself on an unconscious level because as I grew up I let people’s opinion hold me back from what I was passionate about. I let my fear of their rejection stop me from doing what I Loved. I let them put doubts in my ability. I stopped playing the game for me. I started playing it for them. This stopped me from living up to my potential. I am grateful I faced it. I am grateful for the lessons I learned from not living up to my potential. And I know I needed this to get where I am going. Now I can put it behind me.

I will never forget the time we won state. Not the championship game, but the game right before it. The feeling I got when I scored the overtime goal. I will never forget what the roof of that old barn rink looked like. The lights shining down on me as I was filled with power, passion, joy, freedom, life. Staring up at the ceiling like I was the only person in the world. I made it happen. I was in control. The game started off with me scoring the first goal early in the game. The opposing team tied it up and then took the lead. They were winning 2-1. It was the 3rd period and the puck was in our zone. I took it from a teammate behind the net and skated it from end to end to score with 6 seconds left. I tied the game at 2-2 to bring it into overtime. I scored the overtime goal to get us to the championship. I was in control of my reality. It was an amazing feeling. Somewhere I lost that control and with it I lost respect for myself. I did this by letting the things that made me uncomfortable hold me back from doing what I was passionate about. I let the things take away my control and stop me from being free. I think this is why I am on this current journey. A journey to expand my comfort zone to a place where I can handle ANYTHING that might hold me back from my passion. A journey to truly be free of other peoples opinion of me so ‘I can be me’. A journey to find out who I AM. To embrace who I AM. To love who I AM. Just like when I was a kid. I am ME. I am already everything I want to be. I already have everything I need. I am Me. I will no longer let anyone, anything, or myself hold me back from living my passion. Life is wonderful.

1 comment:

  1. I think this blog was extremely powerful! This is a huge concept for you to grasp. It is so important as an adult to know who is important and meaningful in your life. Recognizing that your sibling is your best friend is huge! I think this is really going to change you and Nathan’s relationship from here on out!

    Realizing that you are you and that you won’t let others or things hold you back any more is very eye opening! I think this defines strength…you have found the strength and confidence inside you to recognize the inner and true you! You won’t let anyone take that away!