Thursday, April 8, 2010

Happy Cries

Today I was a little off. Ive changed so much this past year and I haven't had this feeling for awhile. It was a feeling like I was no longer in control of my destiny. Like life was to big and I was to small to make a difference. I am planting a couple seeds right now and I think i let them get the best of me. I started thinking about their potential and how real that potential could become. Somewhere deep inside me I didn't feel big enough. I didn't feel worthy. I started letting something creep in that made me doubt myself. It wasn't even voices. I blocked out the 'you cant do it because of this' voice awhile ago. But yet it existed. Maybe the voices are you rationalizing your feeling to yourself. I couldn't put a finger on why i was feeling like this. It was so subtle. Like people didn't care about me. Like it matters what they thought again. Like I was doing something wrong. I sat reading the new psycho-cybernetics and couldn't get into it. I lay and tried to discover what was bothering me. What was it inside that made me feel this way. I even made fun of someone in class today for no real reason, I did it because the opportunity presented itself. I did it because I felt weak and it made me feel stronger. I felt like apologizing right after. I didnt. I thought it would make me look weak. look needie. So I ignored myself. Now laying in bed I pushed on reading. I started to connect with the book again. I thought again about apoligizing now hours after. I sent the text message anyway. Being mean is not who i am. I like that i get uncomfortable now when i put people down for no reason. I dont care much how the text message makes me look. It felt good to send it. Back to the book, I read on. Somewhere something in the book began to connect with me again. I realized my problem. I said out loud, even tho it felt uncomfortable 'I have ides that will change the world.' Immediately tears filled my eyes. I repeated it. The tears got stronger. But a certain darkness lifted. The thing that was holding me back vanished. Again i felt alive, happy, in control. Ive had an increasing number of these moments lately. Moments where something just clicked. a realization so huge i had to cry. An undescribable release of emotion. It happened when i realized how much my family loves me. how they will do absolutely anything for me and all they ask in return is a thank you. How all these years i didn't realize it. How all my mom wanted me to do was watch her run a marathon but she didnt know how to say it. she gave other excuses for me to come home and i couldnt see what she was really asking. I was to selfish to think that maybe they like when im involved in their lives in the same way i like it when they're involved in mine. I took for granted how they come to almost all of my hockey games and support me in WHATEVER i decide to do. How I could wake up in the mourning and they would be there to make me breakfast. How something as easy as calling on the phone to say 'hi, hows your day going' could mean so much yet i was 'to busy' to take the time to do it. How all they do is care about me and all i do is care about myself. It happened again when i was watching 'The shadow effect' and i told myself out loud that i forgave myself for not living my full potential in hockey. I realized how i still carried that burden. I was still mad at myself for not trying as hard as i could with the talent i was given (or acquired with my passion for the game at a young age and a mindset that gave me habits that allowed me to accel but thats a ponder for another blog entry.) Deep down I really never forgave myself. I cant put into words the power these realizations have. The disappointment that i didn't realize it sooner and the gratefulness that i was able to realize it now. The impact being able to come to these realizations has on my future. In a way these moments are what I'm searching for. The reason i read book after book and article after article about self help, happiness, psychology and success. Each epiphany, each paragraph each sentence brings me closer to figuring out whats holding me back. To conquering my deep down fears. To matching my self image to my actual potential. Its easy to lose sight of the amount of small steps it takes to do something great when you look around and see the end product of so many great people who have accomplished so much. Trying to mimic them and achieve what they have achieved instead of learning from their success and achieving what I am meant to achieve. Comparing myself only to myself. Growing each day one step at a time. Staying true to my purpose. Taking actions consistent with that purpose. Knowing you get out of life what you put into it. Tonight It was a toss up between knowledge and experience. And now I'm gonna put on my party hat and choose both. Life. Thank you for the lessons. You are super tight.

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